Home for the Holidays

I thought taking time off from work for the holidays would be good, in a sense its nice not worryingor stressing bout stuff with work. So far i have trouble getting to sleep and always seem wide awake at night. So much to think about and not enough words to explain it all. So yet again i suppress it and create more walls. I've been bumming it at home all week, and have nothing productive. I've planned to do all these things, but once i get a chance to i find some reason to not do it or not to go out. But then again its not all bad. Staying home and doing nothing is somewat relaxing even though my rooms a mess, shopping needs to be done, gifts still need to be wrapped or purchased. It's also given me more time to reflect and look back more than i normally would. I guess thats not all true ive looked back before, but just being home, looking around, having things remind of things especially during the holiday season. I realize how a pack rat i can be, and all the stuff i keep, that i cant seem to throw away. All the memories that i can associate with certain things and joy or pain i feel.

I feel extra pressure being at home during this time, all the unwanted pain and fear i feel. How angry and sad i can get. Letting go is hard to do. I havent found a way to let go of things, and mostly because i've put it away behind my walls. The regrets and missed opportunities. Taking things for granted, the saddness i feel but cant express. The guilt and anger for feeling the way i do. I've never expected myself walking down this path, and never feeling or thinking this way. A part of me is trying to find wat am looking for and the other is being that for others for family. Everyone keeps telling me to take care of them, but who is going to take care of me? The anger i have toward myself is misguided but i have no where to point the blame. For all my mistakes in the past, for not being the person i should of been, for the outcomes of all my choices. Things would of never bothered me before, i would of learned and accepted, now i cant even do that. I cant move on i cant let go. There will always be that piece of me that feels this way for now. Until i deal or learn what i do, or find what im looking for. Im able to put it aside and still be who i am, but to wat degree? I haven't let go or at least learned to deal with it. I haven't accepted...