A year later...

I can't believe it's been a year already, it still feels like yesterday and only seems a few months have passed. The pain is still there, the regrets, the missed moment's, the memories. Maybe not the memories, its hard to remember.

I have trouble sleeping again, its difficult to fall asleep, when i have a million things to think about. It's been one year since i went a mass, i guess you can say i've lost faith. I mean i still have faith, its jus not a whole lot at the moment. It's been difficult and I have only oner person that i relied on this year, and thats not a good thing. I relied on myself and pushed people away to a certain degree. As I look back and a year's almost gone by I see many changes within myself and also how I perceive things sometimes clearly and sometimes not. I feel like i've taken steps back, that i've rebuilt walls that once were down. I wish there are things i could change, things i should of done, and things i would do differently. Maybe things would be different? There's a pain a void i feel every day and dunno what to do about it. It hurts mentally adn physically. I think everything is ok and on some level it is, but i know not all is right. I think i have different levels and can act upon them when needed. I can carry the world on my shoulders and seem everything is alright, but i know beneath the surface beneath the many walls and barriers it hurts, and i dunno how to reach that anymore. Maybe it shouldn't be reached and maybe it should so it won't hurt as much. It's hard when you had to be the strong one, the one people have to count on, the one to do everything and never anything for me. I've accepted it and its my on fault. I can't bear the load anymore, but i do. I've lost a part of me, i've lost how to be me, i've forgotten how to lean on others, if i ever did.

For a while i thought things would be ok, things started to get better, but i've fallen and its a lot easier to stay on the bottom than to get back up. A year's past and i'm still where i started. I know i dont want to be here anymore, but dunno wat to do...