Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose!

I have too much time on my hands since i don't want to get stuck in traffic and the addition of fires to the mix. Too much time alone with my thoughts sitting in my office alone. It saddens me to think this way, and also stupid for thinking this way. I should be over it, i should be moving on, but I'm just hanging on waiting for something, anything. I was able to accomplish something today, cleaned my desk, at least I can use part of my desk again. Took down some old cards from a year ago.

I need to put myself first for a bit at least to help me. It might sound weird, it doesn't make sense to me, but maybe that's me. Time is great thing to have and also something you don't want to waste. As i sit wasting time i could be using to be productive one way or another. I have no reasons to do stuff and I let things pass me by. I should be doing something but i feel that part of me is lost or piece of me died. Like i said time is something you don't want to waste and can be your worse enemy. I have too much time to think and fall down. When i don't think i move on, but with no direction. I need some direction I need a way to find my path again. Life was simpler when we we're younger. Time to let go of that life and move on , time to grow up. I've grown to a point and need to make that next step. How do you take that step and when. I've lost that guidance and I'm on my own. I'm alone.. I carry too much pity and guilt on myself that i shouldn't but haven't learned how not to. I hide things well, too well it hides from myself and bites me in the ass later. I think im scared of what the future olds, scared to leave, scared to move on.

First time for many firsts now.

First time for many firsts now.
Went to the ER for the first time for me, my foot is all jacked have to stay off it for about a week. Kinda scary and kinda annoying, jus to go and nothing serious but serious enough to go. One of the things to miss not having my Mom around. I see finally how difficult it is. I guess i have to learn to let go and move on, but sometimes letting go is hard. You think everything is fine and then realize its not and everything just seems a lot tougher than it should. So many memories to hold on to, and some that should let go.
Today should of been a good day for football, but we didn't have it in us. I wish i wasn't hurt, maybe i shouldn't of played make it worse. We beat ourselves, and I blame myself for not leading/coaching the team better. Always next week, but today hurts more than it should. I blame myself ofr many things in life, and wish i could change or handle differently.