Home for the Holidays

I thought taking time off from work for the holidays would be good, in a sense its nice not worryingor stressing bout stuff with work. So far i have trouble getting to sleep and always seem wide awake at night. So much to think about and not enough words to explain it all. So yet again i suppress it and create more walls. I've been bumming it at home all week, and have nothing productive. I've planned to do all these things, but once i get a chance to i find some reason to not do it or not to go out. But then again its not all bad. Staying home and doing nothing is somewat relaxing even though my rooms a mess, shopping needs to be done, gifts still need to be wrapped or purchased. It's also given me more time to reflect and look back more than i normally would. I guess thats not all true ive looked back before, but just being home, looking around, having things remind of things especially during the holiday season. I realize how a pack rat i can be, and all the stuff i keep, that i cant seem to throw away. All the memories that i can associate with certain things and joy or pain i feel.

I feel extra pressure being at home during this time, all the unwanted pain and fear i feel. How angry and sad i can get. Letting go is hard to do. I havent found a way to let go of things, and mostly because i've put it away behind my walls. The regrets and missed opportunities. Taking things for granted, the saddness i feel but cant express. The guilt and anger for feeling the way i do. I've never expected myself walking down this path, and never feeling or thinking this way. A part of me is trying to find wat am looking for and the other is being that for others for family. Everyone keeps telling me to take care of them, but who is going to take care of me? The anger i have toward myself is misguided but i have no where to point the blame. For all my mistakes in the past, for not being the person i should of been, for the outcomes of all my choices. Things would of never bothered me before, i would of learned and accepted, now i cant even do that. I cant move on i cant let go. There will always be that piece of me that feels this way for now. Until i deal or learn what i do, or find what im looking for. Im able to put it aside and still be who i am, but to wat degree? I haven't let go or at least learned to deal with it. I haven't accepted...

Letting go

It was so much easier to think and say all this earlier, the past few days, the past few weeks and to finally write it down is difficult or just doesnt express how I felt earlier. Maybe it's late for me and having trouble putting everything into words. I've always had a problem letting go maybe its the optimist in me. I cling on to things and letting go is a hard thing. Slowly i let it go, and sometimes that optimism pops back and have to start over, and the process begins again. If i let go do i let go a piece of me, maybe thats why i have trouble letting go. I have trouble leting go of old boxes or stuff i dont need, saying i'll need it later or can use the boxes later on. Letting go of the past, past feelings, history, and sometimes that future or dreams. Letting go is always hard to do and in my case, i need to let go in order to move on. I cant let go of the guilt or the pain or the feelings i have.
I've built up many walls that its difficult for me to let myself get vulnerable. I've never really had this many walls up before and trying to lower them is difficult in its own sense. Its a lot easier to hide how i feel or just ignore it for the time being. I've always done wat needs to be done, to take care of business and just able to put any emotions to side and having all these walls around and never really letting my guard down. I guess its typical for the oldest to be the one that has to be strong for the family, to be responsible, to be a role model for the younger siblings. Your life is truly not your own always trying to live up to the expectations. Sometimes its lonely just cuz never able to really open up having walls always trying to do things to avoid facing or dealing with it.
I know i've put a lot of distance from a lot people, some cause everyones moved on and others just shut them out. Then you feel guilty forbeing selfish or not thinking of them. Sometimes got to take care of number one before you can help others. Sometimes i think it be easier to jus get away from everything and to start over. Sometimes change is good and sometimes its not. Experiencing both im against change at the moment, but it takes change to make things happen. So im stuck where im at trying to figure everything out. To find my answers and search what it is im looking for. It suppose to be helpful to write it out, i dunno if its helped or made it worse. Everythings change and letting go is hard to do.